Chapter 4: Meeting the Mother
I realize that not everyone will have a story like this. Not everyone will be BFFs with their stepsons’ mother. Not every Bio/Step relationship will come with super cute nicknames. We all know mine but can you guess what hers might be? 😉
LET ME TELL YOU!… It did NOT start out that way.
Six and a half years ago, I met this woman. I didn’t want to hate her. I didn’t want her to hate me. The second we laid eyes on each other, it was as if at that very moment we were hoping our eyes could shoot daggers. Fortunately, they couldn’t. Instincts took over and suddenly we were protecting our territories. Kim was protecting her territory as mother and I was just trying to establish mine. Whatever it was. Suddenly, I felt threatened. Here I was, towering over this person looking like The Bride of Sasquatch and she was this adorable, stylish thing standing barely over 5 feet tall. I love her hair. I am in love with her shoes. Man, do I love her shoes!
For years, I continued to assert myself as “THE WIFE” and the fact that my new title had the word “mother” in it. FYI, don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. I’ll tell you why in a future post so just hold onto that note. She was still standing strong in her “she’s not his mother” debate. She was right. I wasn’t his mother. I’m not his mother. There is no way I could take her place or even want to try. I’m his “step” mother. I get to be his friend too.
Maybe it took me becoming a mother to open my eyes and see with my heart. Yes, I played with him and colored with him. I tucked him in at night but he didn’t want me when he was sick. He didn’t want me when he was hurting. He wanted her. His mother.
Finally, I understood. I got it. There is nothing in the world that a mother wouldn’t do to protect her child. Her son.
One day, Josh and I were waiting patiently in the parking lot of the Holiday Inn. Waiting for Terry. Let me just add that these two people, Josh and Kim, despised one another. You couldn’t stand to be around them. Every day it was a new argument and this day, shit hit the fan. Yes, I said that. Bad. The fight escalated quickly to Josh demanding, “give me my son!” “You’ll have to go through me!” Kim yelled back. I saw my husband take a step forward and I knew I had to make a decision. Fast. Do I let him go? Do I stop them? I turned to face Josh and calmly put my hand on his chest. He softened instantly. She had shut Terry in the car to conceal him from his surroundings so I got up the guts to speak. “Can I at least tell him see ya later?” To my shock, she said yes. I climbed in the back seat with Terry. I had to say something. This constant bickering had to stop. There had to be a way. Talking to Kim came so easily. We both realized that in all the years of “hating” each other, we didn’t even know each other. The tears started to flow and it was like we had been friends for years. I knew she just didn’t want anyone taking her place and she finally understood how much I loved her son. Two people, too scared to give the other a chance.
That was our defining moment.
Now, we have a wonderful, yet still slightly disfunctional family. I am 110% involved in Terry’s life from baseball games to getting to ground him! ::clap:: YAY ME! ::clap clap:: I know most of you, especially stepmoms, are reading this and probably thinking that I must be a mental patient. There is absolutely no way in H.E.doublehockeysticks you could be BFFs with your “Baby Momma”. You can’t even hear her name let alone speak to her. Yes, you’re right. Maybe you won’t be Best Friends Forever or even Friends For Five Minutes. However, you CAN put your differences aside for the sake of your stepchildren and your children as well. Are they half siblings? All the more reason. I have a tremendous relationship with Terrys’ half sister, Prudence. As well as Kim with Houston. Prudence even calls my mother, “Mawmaw”.
Are you a newly blended family or one that’s been “at it” for years? Do you want to be “one big happy family”? Do you want rid of the stress and anxiety that comes with being a blended family? Sometimes it takes just ONE of you to step up. Why can’t it be you? I’m talking to you too, BIO MOMS! AND DADS! AND STEPDADS! Don’t think you’re getting off easy!
It’s possible. It’s all possible. I’ll tell ya later…
Leave me a comment and tell me how you “tolerate” your Baby Momma. If you’re friends, tell me how you got there! I’d love to hear it!