This one was really difficult for me. I’ve sat here and stared at this computer screen about all day. I deleted a whole page earlier. I’m struggling with the words. Should I say this? What happens once they read it? I’ve decided that none of that matters. I’m setting my worries aside to tell you something about myself. No jokes. No laughs. This is me. This is me laying it all out there. Being real.
Being a wife and a step mother and a mother all have their own set of issues. While I’ve struggled with a lot over the last few years nothing comes close to the struggle with depression. That is a real fight. Now I’m not telling you any of this for sympathy and I’m not a “woe is me” kind of person but I wanted to share my experiences with you. The good and the really ugly.
What started out as Post Partum Depression after giving birth to Frank soon snowballed out of control. I thought I had a pretty good handle on myself. What I thought had been a minor battle with PPD had evolved into something more since it was lasting well into Franks’ fourth year. First, you just shake it off. It’s nothing, it’s just hormones. For years, I fought with my own head. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Stop being crazy, Mindy.
Fighting inside my own head soon led to fighting with everyone on the outside. I was angry all the time. Nothing or no one could make me happy. I tend to take a very alternative approach to parenting. I’m a bit of a hippy but soon I hit a wall. There I was standing, screaming at this wall with my son holding his ears just on the other side. That was it. That was the day I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I had built up this giant wall and everyone I loved was standing on the other side. I hit my knees and the wall came crashing down. I hugged my son so tight I thought he would pop.
I’ve never shared my faith with you because I wanted to connect with everyone. Not just my Christian friends. Well the time has come for me to share it. I wouldn’t have been able to get up off my knees without Christ. I’m not going to preach to you, that is not my intention, this is just my full experience. I am not ashamed of the things I have been through and I am not ashamed of the things I’ve had to do to get better. To get stronger.
The Lord pulled me up off my knees that day when I felt like I could barely move. I was finally convinced to see a doctor. I was getting the help I needed. Slow but surely I was getting better and healthier. I was waking up in the mornings and I finally wanted to get out of bed. For months, years even, I dreaded starting a new day.
Having my faith in Christ and my new found faith in myself, I was saved. Saved from what could have happened. I was happier and in turn it made my family happier. Even though it was hard on him, Josh stuck by me. He was my constant. My rock. Ofcourse we disagreed and had our arguments like any other married couple but it was nothing like before. I had stood by him when he needed me the most and I was fortunate enough to have him return the favor. I won’t get into that, it’s a story for another day and time.
Being a parent is hard. Being a wife is hard. Sometimes just being, is hard! At the end of the day, you’re gonna struggle. You’re gonna fall down. Having someone to help you off your knees is what’s important. It doesn’t matter if it’s your faith or your family or your friends. The Lord just decided to yank me by the heart and say “Mindy, I’m still here.”
Moms, Wives, Women. If you’re struggling with something don’t hide it. I know it’s hard. I know what the shame of not being the wife and mother you want to be feels like. Now Frank is quickly approaching five years old and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
I’ll be sharing a little bit more of my faith and relationship with the Lord later on. He has also helped me in the step mothering aspect of my life when he introduced me to Hannah, the mother of Samuel.
If any of you have any comments or concerns please feel free to email me or leave me a note in the comment section. I’m more than happy to talk with you.